Whereever you go, you're still the same. You did not change at all. Some people admire this quality. For me, it's becoming troublesome. When people commented that "I did not change at all", I feel hurt. I wouldn't dare say "insulted" because I have nothing against on the commenter and he or she was right. I did not change at all.
I accepted lots of dares, I do all sorts of crazy things. People think that I can do them all. But no. I can't do this. Doing crazy things is my comfort zone, to be stable in a routine life is extremely hard for me. And I am struggling to get my life together. Routine life is extremely far from my comfort zone. I am afraid to change.
I feel something inside of me wont let me change. I think they found comfort within me. I need to throw them out. I felt that this bad thing inside of me actually detach from my thinking because I can hear good thouggts inside my head but I do the bad thing instead.
People would say that "Mehhh.. Sarah wouldn't do anything bad..." Well, I won't but I always do bad things towards myself only. I harm myself in lots of ways. Not physically ... I wouldnt dare to cut myself or anything related to that, the closest thing that I do to harm myself physically is by doing those adranaline rush activities.
How to get rid of these bad thoughts inside of me? People say to talk to Him... Always pray to Him. He will listen... but why these bad thoughts keep coming again and again... overcome all the positivity..
I guess this really say that my Imaan is not strong enough. Slowly, I will fight to really get rid of these demons inside of me.
My name is Siti Sarah. I feel like I need this reintroduction as a reflection for myself. (AND SUDDENLY MULAN'S REFLECTION IS PLAYING ON MY PLAYLIST!!!) cue song
I am 24 years old this year. It feels strange whenever I say I am 24 years old because it felt very 'adult' and I am not one. I am still a kid trying to get things right. Everyday, you have new things to learn, new terms to get familiar with, it's not like learning about language theories or even strategies to get your pupils to be attracted to your teaching. This is different kind of learning. These new information are needed for the rest of your life. They are too important for you to 'wing it' or 'goreng'. They need to be precise. They are needed to be taken care of.
This phase of life where you're changing from a kid to a full adult. It's too challenging. Last November, I was still a college kid who was wandering in Kuala Lumpur with my friends, driving in my Myvi, blasting old boyband pop songs in the middle of the night. After a month passed, I became a working adult. That one month doesn't really prepare me to be a full-grown adult. It's scary.
The first month of working, you're trying to be positive. You try to soak new things like a sponge. You have that newbie aura, everything is positive. You cannot afford to give up. You're lucky enough to get a job while most of people your age are having difficulties to get a job. You can do this!
The second month, you've applied everything that you have learnt, sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't. When some things didn't go well as you expected, you feel numb, not down, just 'hmmmmm' moment. What to do now? But you brushed away those feelings, and still continued to do your work. You try your best in everything you do. You still look forward to get these drawings from your pupils and see that as a motivation on your job.
The third month, you realized that you'll probably have to do this job for the rest of your life and this is not a trial, this is not a practical, not an intern, this is your career where you get paid for it. If you don't do your job properly, that money is not halal. This is the month where you're on a thin line. You cannot afford to lose yourself because tomorrow you have to wake up and go to work. You cannot avoid it. You have to face your adult life. And you REALLy don't have the choice to quit the job. You're bounded by the contract. Then, you'll suddenly remember your old dreams, big dreams that you want to achieve. They say dreams can be motivation to move forward. How to move forward when you're drowning and you're in a panic state? I really need to turn these dreams of mine into a float or a boat for me to survive, not just a fluffy cloud in the sky where I admire its prettiness.
I need to get a grip.
I need to survive these first hurdles. I need to overcome this.
My current monster is routine. I need to accept it. I need to see that routine is good for me. I need to embrace it. Do not get bored, Sarah. Please.
I am entering my fourth month. They say the first year of teaching is always the hardest, the years after that, it will become piece of cake as well as rewarding. The thing is, I don't know if I am able to survive this first year.
I really need a reset button right now. I feel like I've been sucked into this adult world that I do not know who I am anymore. Is this supposed to be like this? I know that you have to sacrifice a lot for adult life but is this it? You sacrifice a lot until you don't know who you are anymore?
If it depends on my current mood right now, what I see myself in 10 years, I will be 33 years old, living in a foreign non-speaking English country with a small apartment, writing my 3rd book at night (I do not know whether it is a novel or a children's book yet), teaching children English as a foreign language on day light. I will be strolling in the evening, lots of road trips during weekends. When I get bored with that country, I will pack and move to another country. I will change country for every 3 or 4 years. Until I found the purpose of not moving.
I will find money, save money and spend it. My only routine will be that. Other than that, I will just go with the flow. Act on an impulse. Live on the tip of my toes.
Almost every peer of mine are either planning to settle down or panicking to find someone else to settle down.
I still couldn't really actually find the interest of finding your other half. I do believe in jodoh, that someone is made for you. But I do not really have the urge to 'search' for that jodoh. I believe if he is the one, he will fall in front of me and 'oh, be mine'. hahaha No. Not as fictional as that sounds but something similar to that.
I guess, this perspective of mine influenced by the relationships I see in my daily life. They are good examples; they are bad examples and they are the 'complicated' examples. The complicated couples are always on my mind. These particular thoughts on these complicated couples are taking majority of the places in my mind. These couples, generally are good but they have complicated issues that they couldn't really resolve. The issues freak me out. What happen if they happen to me?
I usually ignore these complications and delete them all. But in a relationship, you cannot actually delete them all and continue like it never happen. It doesn't work that way. Trust me, I've tried. The ending was really awwwwwwwwwwwwkkkwarrrdddd and a LOT of guilt left within me.
The thoughts that keep floating in my head are
I'm not really interested in relationships at the moment but I do believe them but seriously,
will I end up living alone in a foreign country?
I'm just afraid that I would end up alone. But not really.
When I was a teenager, I liked to read websites from the internet, anything that interest me. One of the main topics that I've come to like was mental disorders/illness. I've always fascinated by this particular field and one that attracted my attention was Multiple Personality Disorder, or now it is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Why this particular mental illness? I think deep down I know I have mild, teeny weeny fractions of this mental illness in me. Everyone has at least one mental illness that we could relate to. For example, one does not like things are messy around him, so, he has a little bit of OCD. One could not sit for a long time and pay attention, so, she has ADHD. Therefore, everyone might be related to at least one of these illness. Mine is Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly referred to as Multiple Personality Disorder, is a condition wherein a person's identity is fragmented into two or more distinct personalities.
Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a severe condition in which two or more distinct identities, or personality states, are present in—and alternately take control of—an individual. The person also experiences memory loss that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.
Between those who really suffer DID and me, DID sufferers rarely know those personalities existed and the those personalities have their own history and mine, well, I acknowledged that they existed and I knew how to control them. I've always sorted out these personalities according to the people around me, the time and place, the situation, and the mood. There is always one personality for the situation. There is a virtual system in my head. It has always been like that.
But lately, everything is jumbled up. All those personalities are mashed up together and I've always in this default mode. It seems hard to laugh now, it seems hard to create new things. Because of the jumbled up, my mind couldn't shut up, everything is roaring in my head, that makes myself shut up. So many voices are talking in my head, I am trying to sort things again. Which is hard because to be honest, I couldn't remember who I was like? Maybe deep down, I was tired with the old Sarah. Maybe that was why I spontaneously deleted my ig, or maybe it was intentional. Maybe, I just need to start all over again.
On the first week of this sem, somebody said to me, "I feel like I am seeing a new Sarah."
Maybe she was right. Maybe this is a new Sarah. A new Sarah that I don't know what will happen.
Do you have any reason behind your favourite song? When you asked someone, "Hey, what's your favourite song?"
Some people would just give a random answer and said, "Oh you know that song... yeah that song..."
"Why?"
"I don't know, I just like it.." or "It's my favourite song from my favourite band." or "I like the beat."
I think they are missing the point of music. I know I'm not a music person but I personally think that music needs to speak to you, at least, your favourite song.
1977's Billy Joel song from his album The Stranger entitled "Vienna".
Lyrics:
Slow down, you crazy child.
You're so ambitious for a juvenile.
But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?
You better cool it off before you burn it out.
You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.
Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?
Slow down, you're doing fine.
You can't be everything you wanna be before your time,
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.
Too bad, but it's the life you lead.
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.
Though you can see when you're wrong,
You know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right.
You've got your passion. You've got your pride,
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?
Slow down, you crazy child.
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.
It's all right you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?
Don't you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old?
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.
Why don't you realize Vienna waits for you?
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?
First I heard this song was when I watched 13 Going On 30. I watched it since I was a child. I love the movie. I can watch it over and over again and never get tired. This song is played when the 30 year old Jenna Rink went back to her old place after all the mishaps happened in New York. I realized this song is actually my anthem for my life was when I was 16, I think.
I remembered when my dad shared this song on my facebook page and I think that's how I started to fell in love with this song. I didn't know that I would cherish this song until right this moment and who knows, I would sing this song to my children. Well, if I will have them....
Slow down, you crazy child.You're so ambitious for a juvenile.But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?Where's the fire? What's the hurry about? You better cool it off before you burn it out. You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.
Even back when I was a teenager, I always wanted to do everything at the same period of time. If other people didn't want to do it, I would take all the jobs and did them myself. I would always have these visions, ideas in my head and I didn't want anybody else to fulfill it any other way than what's in my mind. You can say that I was selfish but my mom would say that I'm a "Pak Sanggup". I would take all the job home and did them all by myself. Yes, I'm still like that. I know. I need to learn to say no. Yes. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO...
I want to say that I am smart but I don't have the grades to prove it, even though I kinda against on grading but I know that grading is good for the system, I just don't like it. I want to say that I am dumb, not really, I know stuff. I know a lot of stuff than some people. What I can say that I'm a dreamer. I had high ambitions, I wanted to do a lot of things. So, I moved according to my pace and the result: I was living in my own world. I AM living in my own world. I thought living in my own world is good. It is not a big of a deal. It was but when I get older, it's a bothersome. I tend to use that world as my shield, as a wall, as a mask to hide from people. I become too scared. I am afraid.
I think I could handle the fast paced life but I guess it just tired me out.
You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.When will you realize Vienna waits for you?
According to Billy Joel, "Vienna" in this song is a metaphor. A metaphor for a place to get old and be useful. Read more on the wiki page here.
Slow down, you're doing fine.
You can't be everything you wanna be before your time,
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.
Too bad, but it's the life you lead.
You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.
Though you can see when you're wrong,
You know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right.
Take things slow. This song is a reminder for me to take things slow. Yes, you can do everything while you're young. Just take things slow and carpe diem. Seize the day.
Slow down, you crazy child.
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.
It's all right you can afford to lose a day or two.
When will you realize Vienna waits for you?
Disappear for a while. I think I did that. But I don't know if I can afford it. I don't know. I was lost. I just want to disappear. Though Joel interpreted 'Vienna' as the last stop in your life, as a place where you get old. But I want to interpret 'Vienna' as my ultimate goal where I am satisfied with everything. But hey,
You've got your pride,But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.When will you realize Vienna waits for you?
That's the problem here. I don't know what my ultimate goal anymore. My dreams. They tend to disappear, got washed up by the mentality of an adult and the reality of how the world works. I am afraid of the world. But that is just an excuse from my teenage-conscience. As an adult, I know I have to face them. I need to face my fears. All I want to say is actually I'm just afraid. The confident Sarah is just a mask. Only a mask.
The literal meaning of “Istiqamah”: to go straight into the right direction, acting rightly, allowing no deviation.
It is derived from the stem “Qiyyam”, which implies the continuity of doing something, following up with it and making sure that it is done in the right way and there is neither deviation nor swerving.
"the continuity of doing something, following up with it and making sure that it is done in the right way and there is neither deviation nor swerving."
This. This is what I lack of. How did people do it? To do things over and over again without failed to reach to the final point. I'm talking this Istiqamah to reach what you want, in terms of your work, in your hobbies. I know all of that are duniyawi... But I guess, if you faith in Allah, in you isqamah in doing ibadah to the Almighty One, I guess, everything will fit into place.
I'm answering my own question here... To be honest, I wanted to write this post about, why couldn't I write everyday? I have the urge to write but wouldn't I? I blame to the notebook that I currently have does not fit with my hand (though this is right, I'm still searching for a new notebook for the new sem), I blame on the laptop (malasnya nak bukak laptop, nak taip banyak2..), I blame on the list of dramas that I should finish watching before the sem start (though this is what I did, dah abes dah drama dalam list...)
EXCUSES, EXCUSES, EXCUSES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I learnt a lot through the year, making excuses is one of them and this is what I hated the most. I'm already good at lying that people don't even notice that I was lying. Making excuses and lying, I think both of them are just the same. And I don't like them. I don't like them one bit.
When you lie, you have to make up the continuity of the made up stories.... Look, I don't even have the istiqamah in lying... If you can put it that way... It's just lying is not worth it. Don't lie. Don't even try to make excuses. Be honest. Even it is hard, just be honest. People will understand.
I am thankful to those who gave me second chances. Second chances are so hard to come by. You have to really bersyukur if you got one. I got a lot of them and I am very thankful for that. Alhamdulillah. Though I made a lot of mistakes in the past, I hope you can help me grow by being honest to me, and give me another chance to improve my weaknesses and repent.
“So this is what it felt like to be heartbroken…” Aria thought to herself.
“It sucks.”
She let out a long breath and let her body fell onto her soft bed. She sighed and closed her eyes. She felt her heart was twisted for a million of times and was cut into a million pieces. But never a tear was rolling against her cheek. Not a single tear.
Was her heart made of stone? She thought. No. Maybe she couldn’t produce any tear. Well, this one is obviously false because she just cried over watching “I am Sam”…. again, last weekend. Maybe this… this situation couldn’t touch her… Maybe this situation won’t break her… maybe…
She took one last deep breath and sat up.
