Putting on a mask.

When I was a teenager, I liked to read websites from the internet, anything that interest me. One of the main topics that I've come to like was mental disorders/illness. I've always fascinated by this particular field and one that attracted my attention was Multiple Personality Disorder, or now it is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Why this particular mental illness? I think deep down I know I have mild, teeny weeny fractions of this mental illness in me. Everyone has at least one mental illness that we could relate to. For example, one does not like things are messy around him, so, he has a little bit of OCD. One could not sit for a long time and pay attention, so, she has ADHD. Therefore, everyone might be related to at least one of these illness. Mine is Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly referred to as Multiple Personality Disorder, is a condition wherein a person's identity is fragmented into two or more distinct personalities. 

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a severe condition in which two or more distinct identities, or personality states, are present in—and alternately take control of—an individual. The person also experiences memory loss that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

Between those who really suffer DID and me, DID sufferers rarely know those personalities existed and the those personalities have their own history and mine, well, I acknowledged that they existed and I knew how to control them. I've always sorted out these personalities according to the people around me, the time and place, the situation, and the mood. There is always one personality for the situation. There is a virtual system in my head. It has always been like that.

But lately, everything is jumbled up. All those personalities are mashed up together and I've always in this default mode. It seems hard to laugh now, it seems hard to create new things. Because of the jumbled up, my mind couldn't shut up, everything is roaring in my head, that makes myself shut up. So many voices are talking in my head, I am trying to sort things again. Which is hard because to be honest, I couldn't remember who I was like? Maybe deep down, I was tired with the old Sarah. Maybe that was why I spontaneously deleted my ig, or maybe it was intentional.  Maybe, I just need to start all over again.

On the first week of this sem, somebody said to me, "I feel like I am seeing a new Sarah."
Maybe she was right. Maybe this is a new Sarah. A new Sarah that I don't know what will happen.