Putting on a mask.

When I was a teenager, I liked to read websites from the internet, anything that interest me. One of the main topics that I've come to like was mental disorders/illness. I've always fascinated by this particular field and one that attracted my attention was Multiple Personality Disorder, or now it is known as Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Why this particular mental illness? I think deep down I know I have mild, teeny weeny fractions of this mental illness in me. Everyone has at least one mental illness that we could relate to. For example, one does not like things are messy around him, so, he has a little bit of OCD. One could not sit for a long time and pay attention, so, she has ADHD. Therefore, everyone might be related to at least one of these illness. Mine is Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly referred to as Multiple Personality Disorder, is a condition wherein a person's identity is fragmented into two or more distinct personalities. 

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) is a severe condition in which two or more distinct identities, or personality states, are present in—and alternately take control of—an individual. The person also experiences memory loss that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.

Between those who really suffer DID and me, DID sufferers rarely know those personalities existed and the those personalities have their own history and mine, well, I acknowledged that they existed and I knew how to control them. I've always sorted out these personalities according to the people around me, the time and place, the situation, and the mood. There is always one personality for the situation. There is a virtual system in my head. It has always been like that.

But lately, everything is jumbled up. All those personalities are mashed up together and I've always in this default mode. It seems hard to laugh now, it seems hard to create new things. Because of the jumbled up, my mind couldn't shut up, everything is roaring in my head, that makes myself shut up. So many voices are talking in my head, I am trying to sort things again. Which is hard because to be honest, I couldn't remember who I was like? Maybe deep down, I was tired with the old Sarah. Maybe that was why I spontaneously deleted my ig, or maybe it was intentional.  Maybe, I just need to start all over again.

On the first week of this sem, somebody said to me, "I feel like I am seeing a new Sarah."
Maybe she was right. Maybe this is a new Sarah. A new Sarah that I don't know what will happen.

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Do you have any reason behind your favourite song? When you asked someone, "Hey, what's your favourite song?"

Some people would just give a random answer and said, "Oh you know that song... yeah that song..."

"Why?"

"I don't know, I just like it.." or "It's my favourite song from my favourite band." or "I like the beat."

I think they are missing the point of music. I know I'm not a music person but I personally think that music needs to speak to you, at least, your favourite song.

1977's Billy Joel song from his album The Stranger entitled "Vienna".

Lyrics:

Slow down, you crazy child.

You're so ambitious for a juvenile.

But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?

You better cool it off before you burn it out.

You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

Don't you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want or you can just get old?

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine.

You can't be everything you wanna be before your time,

Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.

Too bad, but it's the life you lead.

You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.

Though you can see when you're wrong,

You know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right.

You've got your passion. You've got your pride,

But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?

Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child.

Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.

It's all right you can afford to lose a day or two.

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Don't you know that when the truth is told

That you can get what you want or you can just get old?

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.

Why don't you realize Vienna waits for you?

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

First I heard this song was when I watched 13 Going On 30. I watched it since I was a child. I love the movie. I can watch it over and over again and never get tired. This song is played when the 30 year old Jenna Rink went back to her old place after all the mishaps happened in New York. I realized this song is actually my anthem for my life was when I was 16, I think. 

I remembered when my dad shared this song on my facebook page and I think that's how I started to fell in love with this song. I didn't know that I would cherish this song until right this moment and who knows, I would sing this song to my children. Well, if I will have them.... 

Slow down, you crazy child.You're so ambitious for a juvenile.But then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid? Where's the fire? What's the hurry about?  You better cool it off before you burn it out.  You got so much to do and only so many hours in a day. 

Even back when I was a teenager, I always wanted to do everything at the same period of time. If other people didn't want to do it, I would take all the jobs and did them myself. I would always have these visions, ideas in my head and I didn't want anybody else to fulfill it any other way than what's in my mind. You can say that I was selfish but my mom would say that I'm a "Pak Sanggup". I would take all the job home and did them all by myself. Yes, I'm still like that. I know. I need to learn to say no. Yes. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

I want to say that I am smart but I don't have the grades to prove it, even though I kinda against on grading but I know that grading is good for the system, I just don't like it. I want to say that I am dumb, not really, I know stuff. I know a lot of stuff than some people. What I can say that I'm a dreamer. I had high ambitions, I wanted to do a lot of things. So, I moved according to my pace and the result: I was living in my own world. I AM living in my own world. I thought living in my own world is good. It is not a big of a deal. It was but when I get older, it's a bothersome. I tend to use that world as my shield, as a wall, as a mask to hide from people. I become too scared. I am afraid. 

I think I could handle the fast paced life but I guess it just tired me out. 

You're gonna kick off before you even get halfway through.When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

According to Billy Joel, "Vienna" in this song is a metaphor. A metaphor for a place to get old and be useful. Read more on the wiki page here. 

Slow down, you're doing fine.

You can't be everything you wanna be before your time,

Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight, tonight.

Too bad, but it's the life you lead.

You're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need.

Though you can see when you're wrong,

You know, you can't always see when you're right, you're right.

Take things slow.
This song is a reminder for me to take things slow. Yes, you can do everything while you're young. Just take things slow and carpe diem. Seize the day. 

Slow down, you crazy child.

Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.

It's all right you can afford to lose a day or two.

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

Disappear for a while. 
I think I did that. 
But I don't know if I can afford it. 
I don't know. I was lost. I just want to disappear.

Though Joel interpreted 'Vienna' as the last stop in your life, as a place where you get old. But I want to interpret 'Vienna' as my ultimate goal where I am satisfied with everything. But hey, 

You've got your pride,But don't you know that only fools are satisfied?Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.When will you realize Vienna waits for you?

That's the problem here. I don't know what my ultimate goal anymore. My dreams. They tend to disappear, got washed up by the mentality of an adult and the reality of how the world works. I am afraid of the world. But that is just an excuse from my teenage-conscience. As an adult, I know I have to face them. I need to face my fears. All I want to say is actually I'm just afraid. The confident Sarah is just a mask. Only a mask. 

When will you realize Vienna waits for you?