The demon within you

Whereever you go, you're still the same. You did not change at all. Some people admire this quality. For me, it's becoming troublesome. When people commented that "I did not change at all", I feel hurt. I wouldn't dare say "insulted" because I have nothing against on the commenter and he or she was right. I did not change at all.

I accepted lots of dares, I do all sorts of crazy things. People think that I can do them all. But no. I can't do this. Doing crazy things is my comfort zone, to be stable in a routine life is extremely hard for me. And I am struggling to get my life together. Routine life is extremely far from my comfort zone. I am afraid to change.

I feel something inside of me wont let me change. I think they found comfort within me. I need to throw them out.  I felt that this bad thing inside of me actually detach from my thinking because I can hear good thouggts inside my head but I do the bad thing instead.

People would say that "Mehhh.. Sarah wouldn't do anything bad..." Well, I won't but I always do bad things towards myself only. I harm myself in lots of ways. Not physically ... I wouldnt dare to cut myself or anything related to that, the closest thing that I do to harm myself physically is by doing those adranaline rush activities.

How to get rid of these bad thoughts inside of me? People say to talk to Him... Always pray to Him. He will listen... but why these bad thoughts keep coming again and again... overcome all the positivity..

I guess this really say that my Imaan is not strong enough. Slowly, I will fight to really get rid of these demons inside of me.

Reset Button

Hello there,


My name is Siti Sarah. I feel like I need this reintroduction as a reflection for myself.
(AND SUDDENLY MULAN'S REFLECTION IS PLAYING ON MY PLAYLIST!!!) cue song

I am 24 years old this year. It feels strange whenever I say I am 24 years old because it felt very 'adult' and I am not one. I am still a kid trying to get things right. Everyday, you have new things to learn, new terms to get familiar with, it's not like learning about language theories or even strategies to get your pupils to be attracted to your teaching. This is different kind of learning. These new information are needed for the rest of your life. They are too important for you to 'wing it' or 'goreng'. They need to be precise. They are needed to be taken care of.

This phase of life where you're changing from a kid to a full adult. It's too challenging. Last November, I was still a college kid who was wandering in Kuala Lumpur with my friends, driving in my Myvi, blasting old boyband pop songs in the middle of the night. After a month passed, I became a working adult. That one month doesn't really prepare me to be a full-grown adult. It's scary.

The first month of working, you're trying to be positive. You try to soak new things like a sponge. You have that newbie aura, everything is positive. You cannot afford to give up. You're lucky enough to get a job while most of people your age are having difficulties to get a job. You can do this!

The second month, you've applied everything that you have learnt, sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn't. When some things didn't go well as you expected, you feel numb, not down, just 'hmmmmm' moment. What to do now? But you brushed away those feelings, and still continued to do your work. You try your best in everything you do. You still look forward to get these drawings from your pupils and see that as a motivation on your job.

The third month, you realized that you'll probably have to do this job for the rest of your life and this is not a trial, this is not a practical, not an intern, this is your career where you get paid for it. If you don't do your job properly, that money is not halal. This is the month where you're on a thin line. You cannot afford to lose yourself because tomorrow you have to wake up and go to work. You cannot avoid it. You have to face your adult life. And you REALLy don't have the choice to quit the job. You're bounded by the contract. Then, you'll suddenly remember your old dreams, big dreams that you want to achieve. They say dreams can be motivation to move forward. How to move forward when you're drowning and you're in a panic state? I really need to turn these dreams of mine into a float or a boat for me to survive, not just a fluffy cloud in the sky where I admire its prettiness.

I need to get a grip.

I need to survive these first hurdles. I need to overcome this.

My current monster is routine. I need to accept it. I need to see that routine is good for me. I need to embrace it. Do not get bored, Sarah. Please.

I am entering my fourth month. They say the first year of teaching is always the hardest, the years after that, it will become piece of cake as well as rewarding. The thing is, I don't know if I am able to survive this first year.

I really need a reset button right now. I feel like I've been sucked into this adult world that I do not know who I am anymore. Is this supposed to be like this? I know that you have to sacrifice a lot for adult life but is this it? You sacrifice a lot until you don't know who you are anymore?